Those who know me well will know that I’ve suffered from trich for a long, long time. For those that don’t know me so well, I thought I’d share my story in the hope that it raises a little awareness, compassion and understanding; not just for me but for others who might be living with this condition too.
Where do I start? Trichotillomania is sometimes classified as an ‘impulse control disorder’ but more recently I’ve heard it described as ‘body-focused repetitive behaviour’ which I think is a great and simple way of putting it. For me, it started in my ‘tween’ years which, as most of you will know, were a super sad time for my family, and me.
But hang on a minute. Let’s get one thing straight - I don’t ‘blame’ my Mum’s illness - colon cancer - or her death for me developing trich. Nope. No way. I would say I’ve always been a thinker, a worrier; it was kind of inevitable for me.
Why? I’ve thought about this for a while and my best possible explanation for you is that the ‘pain’ I experience from each hair I pull - because pulling your hair out on purpose really DOES hurt - distracts my stupid brain from worrying or stressing out. Even just for a minute. A moment of escape from the tireless chatter of my inner self, if you will. And to be honest it’s just become a habit now - like nail-biting - and I’ve done it for so long I can’t really find a way to magically stop.
When do I do it? When I’m not busy, when I’m on my own, when I’m stuck in traffic, when I’m particularly stressed. Oh yes, particularly when I’m stressed. Why am I stressed? I’m sure for the same reasons as most people - work, money, raising children, being a good wife, daughter, sister, niece, friend etc. I’m not special. I’m not doing this for sympathy. My worries just manifest in a different way to most people’s!
What have I done to ‘treat’ it? So many things: I’ve seen a psychologist, I’ve worn wigs, I’ve shaved my head, I’ve had expensive mesh and extension systems, I’ve had acrylic nails put on... In fact about the only thing I haven’t tried is medication but that’s not something I’ve felt is necessary.
Does any of it work? NO. I’ve been doing this for almost 30 years now. I’ve come to accept that it’s just part of who I am. Yes it sucks. Yes I’d love to have a full head of beautiful hair. But I will not and do not let this stupid condition impact on my life *too* much. It certainly doesn’t impact on any of my areas of responsibility - I’m still a loving Wife, a devoted Mum, a conscientious employee and hopefully a good friend and family member to those who care about me. Of course I’m self conscious of what people think, type and say, not always quietly, about my bald patches (which at times are hard to hide) but only momentarily - I am not my hair - I’m so much more than that - if someone can’t look past my “freaky” hair thing and get to know the real me then frankly they’re not worth my time worrying about. I do a lot of that already!
I confided in a close friend about it a little while ago and she summarised it beautifully - I have my own in-built ‘stressometer’ - you can tell how stressed I am by the size of the bald patch behind my left ear. I’m not doing so well at the moment but it WILL get better at some point.
So what am I going to do about it? Today I put my ‘big girl pants’ on and went to the hairdresser. I haven’t been since some time in 2016. Funnily enough you develop a bit of an aversion to visiting the hairdresser when a large part of your head is bald! I’m really hoping that ‘nice’ hair will make me somehow feel guilty about pulling it and therefore I will make a concerted effort to pull less. We’ll see. My hairdresser set me a goal to at least try and ease up on the patch behind my ear as that is near impossible to cover, even with her considerable skills! I promised I will try and I will be back to see her in 6 weeks so I am going to hold myself accountable and hopefully make her proud next time I’m there.
Anyway, I’m rambling now so will wrap things up.
Anyway, I’m rambling now so will wrap things up.
There are SO many worse things than a bald head and please be assured I will always keep on keeping on and I am so lucky that I have a wonderful husband who loves me despite my imperfections, and gently removes my hand when he sees it reaching for my hair and tells me firmly “stop pulling”.
Trich sucks but life goes on! Thanks for reading xoxo
